"i think i need a zoloft" | wednesday | june 17, 2008 | 3:45 pm

LAH. That about sums things up. Not that any one thing is particularly bad or wrong or whatever. But I feel, have been feeling all kinds of out of sorts lately. I've felt like this before -- it's called stress, distress, anxiety, depression, intertia, insecurity. What's causing this? Again, a lot of little different things. But I think the majority of my blah-ness is due to my dissertation and dissertation prospectus.

My friend Tim and I keep making writing "death pacts" to get the damnable thing done. I think he's gotten some progress on it. But I just can't seem to bring myself to do anything. I have put the seatbelt on and sat in front of my computer. But I just stare at the screen. There is something daunting about trying to write the rationale and outline of your dissertation project, a project that for me hasn't really got any defined edges yet nor any easily, identifiable, overarching argument. I have sketches of ideas. And I have a general cast of my chapters. And I think this is enough --particularly for my chair who only wants twelve pages -- but I'm still stymied.

I have been having some pretty intense anxiety dreams -- almost every time I sleep. Most of the dreams are about usual worries, just notched up a few levels. Recently, I've been having a recurring "type" of dream where I'm in my house, sometimes set in the townhouse I used to live in in Maryland, and I am being haunted, pursued, frightened, and aggravated by some paranormal force or entity. Can we say a entity called my dissertation? I keep telling my mind that I needn't metaphorize my stress anymore -- I know what it is!

Granted, the prospectus and subsequent dissertation aren't the only things on my mind. But I think the main stress of writing and formulating a project that will determine a significant vector of the rest of my life coupled with the day-to-day stresses of life is just pushing me over the edge. I have gotten to the point where I would rather do anythign else than write my prospectus. I will clean, organize my files, balance my checkbook, exercise, or sleep. Last week, I crawled into bed just after lunch because I couldn't face my writing. Not a good sign.

The troubling thing is that I do have other legitimate projects to work on. A couple weeks back, I had the end of quarter to get done. I had grading of final portfolios to do. I had a couple of letters of recommendation to write. Last week, I needed to finish the revision of my forthcoming article in the special summer issue on "Reading Games" in Computers & Composition Online. I worked on that and got that out the door. And now summer teaching is coming up, and I need to help with class planning, course revisions, and updating and writing assignments. There's a lot to do, actually, and I just use all of it to avoid doing the one thing I really need to get done before I make myself crazy.

More soon. I hope.

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"to my friend" | saturday | june 14, 2008 | 11:01 am

APPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND DUSTIN, who just launched a new science and technology blog called Sci du Jour. Best to him on his birthday! And best to his new blogging endeavor!